Baby
28 Mar 2011 3 Comments
When Chris and I were dating and began getting serious about spending the rest of our lives together, we discussed how many children we would have and when we would like to begin trying for our first. Chris was traditional in his thoughts; wait a couple of years and then continue building our family since I was already bringing Josh into our new household together. I, on the other hand, was concerned about our ages, I was 30 and Chris was two weeks shy of 34 when we got married (not to mention Josh was already going on 7 years old) so I wanted to get started right away. Chris eventually understood my reasoning and shortly after our wedding we began trying for a baby. Ten months later I became pregnant with Andy and he was born in May 2008. Our original plan was to try for a second child fairly soon after our first was born because we were only getting older but Andy was such a challenge, a beautiful challenge, that we could not even think about having another baby for a really long time. In fact, we practically decided Andy was going to be it for us. Neither of us could even fathom putting ourselves through that whole experience again. I was trying to keep an open mind but I knew I was not ready for another baby.
Then a few days before Andy’s second birthday I attended a Mom’s Getaway in Door County and something happened that changed my whole attitude towards Andy. Andy is a very busy boy and I was equating busy with naughty. I am naturally a low energy person so it has been difficult to keep up with Andy. I finally processed that busy does not equal naughty and realized that my boy is actually a really good kid. He always wants to help us do things around the house and he listens well most of the time. He is usually happy and content with his toys and is so cute and funny. Chris and I slowly forged into discussions about adding another baby to our family but I think it’s safe to say we were a little gun-shy. We decided to leave it in God’s hands and not actively prevent pregnancy. Last November I believed I was pregnant and sank into a depth of depression I was not expecting when the home test was negative. After a few days I pulled it together and renewed my trust in God and his perfect timing.
On February 14th, Valentine’s Day, I was a few days late and decided to take a home pregnancy test. To my surprise it was positive! I bought Chris a card and wrote a poem on the inside:
Because two fell in love
The wonder of becoming one
A moment of connection
And time continues on
Basking in the intimate glow
Unbeknownst
Unseen to the naked eye
New life begins to form
There is One Who sees
One Who knows
One Who knew
Before time began
This blessing
This gift
This child that grows
Soon to be our very heart
When Chris finished reading the poem his look was unsure. He asked me if I thought I was pregnant and I told him that I am pregnant! I can’t remember the rest of the conversation but we were so happy and at peace with the idea of a new baby. We were talking and planning and thinking about this baby and praying for a safe pregnancy and a healthy child.
On March 14th I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant and we were excited and nervous for our first ultrasound. (I think I was the one who was nervous. I had been suffering some anxiety about the pregnancy.) The doctor pressed the wand to my belly and moved it around a little then we saw the gestational sac. A gestational sac with no heartbeat, no baby. Dr. M assured us that she sees this all the time, to not give up hope, and that we were to make an appointment for another ultrasound for two weeks later and to have blood drawn at the lab to test hCG levels. The blood test revealed that the hCG levels were rising but not even close to doubling, which Dr. M wanted to see happen. Our hearts were breaking even as we tried to hold on to a shred of hope that our baby was just fine. It was a very confusing time that seemed to drag on forever.
Ten long days later at exactly 10 weeks, on March 24th, I began spotting and went in for another ultrasound which confirmed what the first ultrasound revealed. I had my hCG levels checked again and was informed that they dropped dramatically and the gestational sac was shrinking. A miscarriage was imminent. I was in for another long wait wondering when “nature would take its course” and I could be done with the whole harrowing ordeal. The wait ended up being 3 days before I began the very painful process of miscarrying. Now today, when I am supposed to be 10 weeks 4 days along, I am no longer pregnant.
Again, I am left to gather up the pieces of my broken heart and trust that God’s plan is perfect. When Josh was recently asked if he still wants a thousand brothers his reply was that we have more room in the car so perhaps we will try again as soon as our hearts (and my body) heal from the loss of our baby we will not meet this side of Heaven.
Wrestling 101
26 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
Since Josh achieved his Black Belt in Karate in January 2010 he has successfully tried out baseball and football. Now he has joined wrestling. Josh and I know next to nothing about wrestling but this season of wrestling ushers new terms into our vocabulary. Terms like the single-leg and double-leg take downs, the duck walk exercise, staged or bracketed tournaments, the half-nelson, and the singlet among many others are now part of our regular conversations.
Honestly, I began writing this post in January when the wrestling season began but I decided to wait until we had finished our four tournaments that were part of the wrestling package. For our tournaments we have been down to Kenyon-Wannamingo, over to River Falls, up to Osceola WI, and lastly, right here in Prescott. The tournaments are all-day affairs and pretty much consume half of the weekend. I’m slightly bitter about that. I’ll get over it.
The first tournament in Kenyon-Wannamingo was an hour drive there and back and I had to take Andy with me because Chris was busy with other obligations. We didn’t know what to expect since this was our first go ’round and it ended up being a loooong day. Josh weighed in at 9am but didn’t actually wrestle until about 3pm. Did I mention that Andy was with us? Andy, who is 2 years old and desperately needs a nap or life is, well, hell? Yeah. He didn’t get a nap and by the time Josh wrestled, Andy was almost uncontrollable. I managed to sit mat-side while Andy terrorized the backpack of another little boy and played with all his toys. The boy was happy to have someone to play with, though, and his grandma graciously gave Andy a granola bar to help distract him from being a tired, naughty kid. It takes a village sometimes! Josh himself was quite impressive! He wrestled a total of three times a few minutes each and managed to earn third place in his four-man bracket! I was a nervous wreck and really proud of his strength and all that he had learned. And I probably took a total of 100 photos…
His second tournament was in River Falls, nice and close to home. Josh’s dad and I made arrangements that I would take Josh over to weigh in then bring him back home so he could take Josh up to wrestle. It would have been another day that I would have had to take Andy along and I just wasn’t emotionally healed yet to tackle that again. Although I have no pictures, I was told that Josh did very well and took second place in a three-man bracket and brought home a trophy for all his effort.
Josh’s third tournament was all the way up in Osceola, WI. Another hour drive there and back but it was just him and I and another long day. It was a gorgeous day with a hint of spring in the air and we had plans to go check out the town in between matches but the brackets were a set up a little different from before and we didn’t feel comfortable leaving and possibly missing a match. It ended up being hours between his matches but we didn’t know how long it would actually take. Thank goodness I brought a book! Josh was doing well and was winning his third match when it all went downhill. He ended up placing fourth in the four-man bracket and he wasn’t too happy about that. I thought he was great though! I forgot my camera but I took a bunch of pics with my iPhone.
Our fourth and last tournament was right at home in Prescott. I helped with the bracket writing and then wandered around the rest of the day. Finally it was Josh’s turn to wrestle and it was clear that he had come a long way in the two months since he began wrestling. He almost gave up though and wanted to FORFEIT because he didn’t want to WRESTLE A GIRL! He was so afraid of getting beat that he didn’t even want to wrestle. That wasn’t an option, however, and he ended up winning that match and went on to take third place in a four-man bracket. Again, I was shutter happy and come away with lots more photos.
Although we know a lot more about wrestling that can only be gained through experience, we still have much more to learn. Specifically how to successfully get into and out of a hold and how to gather the most points. We learned that sometimes you have to sacrifice a point in order to earn two. We also learned that even when it looks like you have the upper hand, which it continually appeared that Josh did, the opponent is earning points too. Josh definitely has the strength to do well in wrestling, he just has to keep learning the skills to succeed. And I have to get over becoming a nervous wreck every single time he takes to the mat!
In The Garden
24 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
Several years ago when I was living with my parents, I convinced them that I needed to build a raised garden in their backyard. Then I convinced my grandpa to help me get the wood and put it together. I dumped bag after bag of soil into my garden and on Mother’s Day weekend, I planted all of my veggies. If I remember right I planted tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, and I even attempted sweet corn. The crows loved the sweet corn so Josh and I would pretend to be scarecrows and chase those beastly birds away. It was quite a fun game for my then little preschooler. We would hold our arms out and run out into the backyard shrieking like crazy. Josh always dissolved into a fit of giggles.
I didn’t know a whole lot about gardening but we did eat lots of fresh veggies that summer. I still don’t know a whole lot about gardening but last spring I convinced Chris that we need one in the backyard of our new house. We went to Menard’s and bought some wood, soil, and seeds and with the help of a couple neighbor guys, Chris built that garden and hauled it to the perfect spot. Chris dumped bag after bag of soil into the garden plot and I spent the following weekend planting our veggies. I planted tomatoes, snap peas, spinach, lettuce, carrots, string beans, broccoli, green peppers, and zucchini. That was way too much for my little garden. The tomatoes completely took over the snap peas so we only had a handful of those. The zucchini outgrew the green peppers so I only was able to harvest two of those but I did make some yummy bread and meatloaf out of the zucchini. The broccoli, well, I just can’t do broccoli for some reason. It didn’t really turn out well. What we did have a lot of was tomatoes and string beans. The only problem was that the beans were not a variety that we liked so I will plant something different next year. Chris questioned whether the carrots would get very big but by the end of the season we had a few large ones that I cut up or grated to add into various recipes.
Our neighbor was skeptical and thought that the wild animals from the ravine in our backyard would feast in our garden but that wasn’t a problem at all. The only problem I had was a prolific bug that invaded the zucchini plant and ultimately killed it. I have some changes up my sleeve for this year including fewer plants, different placement, starting some seeds indoors, and maybe another small garden plot just for the tomatoes. (The only problem is that even though the calendar says it’s Spring, we just got ANOTHER dumping of snow! It’s still WINTER here and my almost-thawed garden is buried again!) It’s a work in progress and I still have a whole lot more to learn but I really do enjoy gardening and the sense of accomplishment it brings to my soul. I’m looking forward to getting back to the garden, cleaning out the debris from last year, and digging my fingers in the warm, fresh soil. I am mostly looking forward to harvesting throughout the season and having fresh veggies on our dinner table.
A Letter To My Oldest Son
12 Mar 2011 1 Comment
Dear Josh,
Yesterday after school you had a friend over and you both decided to play video games on the Xbox. You chose one rated T for Teen and asked me if you could play it. You explained that it was Star Wars and that there weren’t any guns in it. I allowed you to play the game because it’s more about a battle between good and evil rather than evil just shedding the blood of innocents everywhere. And besides, you proudly declared, you are less than two years from turning thirteen.
Josh, I remember when I was carrying you in my womb and when you were a fresh new baby. Many people, I mean a lot of people, warned me you would grow up fast. Every single time I heard that I nodded my head but inside I didn’t believe them. I anxiously pushed you to learn how to crawl, then walk and speak and eat. I was so excited for the next stage of babyhood and toddlerhood and preschoolhood that I didn’t fully appreciate whatever stage you were currently in. Before I knew it, I was sending you off to kindergarten. They were right, all those people God sent to admonish me. You have been growing up way too fast! Now you are about to finish fifth grade and next fall I will be sending you off to middle school.
Son, although you may be only two years from turning thirteen, please enjoy the rest of your childhood with minimal responsibilities and obligations. You will have the rest of your long, full life to be a responsible adult. Trust me. Adulthood is not all fun and games and permission to do whatever you want. You will have many major important decisions to make when you become an adult. Decisions like what college to attend, what career to employ, and what girl to marry. It’s important to seek the will of God but even then, even when you are smack-dab in the middle of it, you will be allowed to fail. Whether it’s that tough college class, a business decision gone wrong, or the perfect girl who turns out to be not-so-perfect for you after all, God will grab you by the hands and pull you back up to your feet all the while whispering how proud He is of you, how much He cares about you, how much He loves you!
Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus now, as a preteen, and all the way through your golden years. Life is going to go by fast and it definitely will not always be easy but with God at the center of it you will find joy and peace amidst the trials and tribulations certain to come your way. You make me proud, Josh, to be your mom! Now I wish time would slow down so I can savor your childhood for that much longer. But time keeps marching on and you will only continue to grow in body and capabilities and I pinky swear that as you grow, as a child and as an adult, you will always know how proud I am, how much I care, how much I love you.
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