Baby

28 Mar 2011 3 Comments

by Liz in Uncategorized

When Chris and I were dating and began getting serious about spending the rest of our lives together, we discussed how many children we would have and when we would like to begin trying for our first. Chris was traditional in his thoughts; wait a couple of years and then continue building our family since I was already bringing Josh into our new household together. I, on the other hand, was concerned about our ages, I was 30 and Chris was two weeks shy of 34 when we got married (not to mention Josh was already going on 7 years old) so I wanted to get started right away. Chris eventually understood my reasoning and shortly after our wedding we began trying for a baby. Ten months later I became pregnant with Andy and he was born in May 2008. Our original plan was to try for a second child fairly soon after our first was born because we were only getting older but Andy was such a challenge, a beautiful challenge, that we could not even think about having another baby for a really long time. In fact, we practically decided Andy was going to be it for us. Neither of us could even fathom putting ourselves through that whole experience again. I was trying to keep an open mind but I knew I was not ready for another baby.

Then a few days before Andy’s second birthday I attended a Mom’s Getaway in Door County and something happened that changed my whole attitude towards Andy. Andy is a very busy boy and I was equating busy with naughty. I am naturally a low energy person so it has been difficult to keep up with Andy. I finally processed that busy does not equal naughty and realized that my boy is actually a really good kid. He always wants to help us do things around the house and he listens well most of the time. He is usually happy and content with his toys and is so cute and funny. Chris and I slowly forged into discussions about adding another baby to our family but I think it’s safe to say we were a little gun-shy. We decided to leave it in God’s hands and not actively prevent pregnancy. Last November I believed I was pregnant and sank into a depth of depression I was not expecting when the home test was negative. After a few days I pulled it together and renewed my trust in God and his perfect timing.

On February 14th, Valentine’s Day, I was a few days late and decided to take a home pregnancy test. To my surprise it was positive! I bought Chris a card and wrote a poem on the inside:

Because two fell in love
The wonder of becoming one
A moment of connection
And time continues on

Basking in the intimate glow
Unbeknownst
Unseen to the naked eye
New life begins to form

There is One Who sees
One Who knows
One Who knew
Before time began

This blessing
This gift
This child that grows
Soon to be our very heart

When Chris finished reading the poem his look was unsure. He asked me if I thought I was pregnant and I told him that I am pregnant! I can’t remember the rest of the conversation but we were so happy and at peace with the idea of a new baby. We were talking and planning and thinking about this baby and praying for a safe pregnancy and a healthy child.

On March 14th I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant and we were excited and nervous for our first ultrasound. (I think I was the one who was nervous. I had been suffering some anxiety about the pregnancy.) The doctor pressed the wand to my belly and moved it around a little then we saw the gestational sac. A gestational sac with no heartbeat, no baby. Dr. M assured us that she sees this all the time, to not give up hope, and that we were to make an appointment for another ultrasound for two weeks later and to have blood drawn at the lab to test hCG levels. The blood test revealed that the hCG levels were rising but not even close to doubling, which Dr. M wanted to see happen. Our hearts were breaking even as we tried to hold on to a shred of hope that our baby was just fine. It was a very confusing time that seemed to drag on forever.

Ten long days later at exactly 10 weeks, on March 24th, I began spotting and went in for another ultrasound which confirmed what the first ultrasound revealed. I had my hCG levels checked again and was informed that they dropped dramatically and the gestational sac was shrinking. A miscarriage was imminent. I was in for another long wait wondering when “nature would take its course” and I could be done with the whole harrowing ordeal. The wait ended up being 3 days before I began the very painful process of miscarrying. Now today, when I am supposed to be 10 weeks 4 days along, I am no longer pregnant.

Again, I am left to gather up the pieces of my broken heart and trust that God’s plan is perfect. When Josh was recently asked if he still wants a thousand brothers his reply was that we have more room in the car so perhaps we will try again as soon as our hearts (and my body) heal from the loss of our baby we will not meet this side of Heaven.

Advertisement